In what can only be described as a hate crime of the highest magnitude, a privileged toxically white cisgendered lawyer, Benjamin Aaron Shapiro, verbally executed a non-binary Reality TV personality Cenk Kadir Uygur. Cenk, an accomplished senior fellow at the Center for Collective Emotional Manipulation, reportedly was politely trying to have a civil discourse on the topic of wealth redistribution, an issue that is no longer open for debate, as the general consensus favors more fiscal equality between the oppressive army of the employed and the oppressed entitled proletariat.

As Mr. Uygur showered noble prose upon an adoring audience, the unthinkable happened and things took a turn for the worst. Cenk had subtly mentioned “the reason why, when taxes are higher, it winds up being better for the economy, is because it recirculates the money so if you give it to the rich…”  At this point, a hostile gang of deplorables (officially recognized as a terrorist organization by the U.N.) interrupted his poetic and heartfelt plea with raucous laughter, a common behavioral defense mechanism among fascists. Immediately channeling his inner diplomat, the visibly shaken Cenk responded “This is hilarious, if you’re uneducated, then please don’t make it so obvious!”

At this point the imperialist robber-baron Ben Shapiro apparently had had enough. Fact after undeniable fact, laden with statistics from such sources such as the imperialist think tank “The US Bureau of Labor Statistics,” he ruthlessly and repeatedly bludgeoned Mr. Uygur, showing no remorse for the scarring that ensued. Cenk’s meticulously crafted emotional arguments did little to stave off Shapiro’s patriarchal rampage of toxic white masculinity. In the final moments of his exemplary and distinguished life, Cenk muttered with his final breath “reusable toilet paper could have stopped global warming, if only Hillary was elected.” In that moment, witnesses claim to have seen a bright radiant light, and in the majestic radiance they saw the faint image of our prophet, the Holy Karl Marx. Police are investigating, but a DNC staffer speaking on condition of anonymity claimed that this was simply a burglary gone awry during an apparent suicide.

R.I.P. oh noble martyr of the state, your grace and spirit will live on in every state-sponsored history book.

A candle lit vigil will be held at one of UNESCO’s most cherished sites, the Statue of Lenin, in Seattle. If you would like to be among the attendees, please head to the nearest chapter of the Democratic Socialists of America, where we will be handing out tickets. Please have all the proper forms and affidavits filled out, as well as three forms of ID, a blood sample, and a list of family members and friends who may have opposing views.

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